The case of the missing coat

Every morning during the surge to get everyone out the door for school, we always have to deal with  helping someone find something they need to move forward; like shoes, coat, backpacks, or musical instruments. It is always something, and it always flips me out. Always. I have ADHD and one of the coping mechanisms is that everything has a place. When things are not where they are supposed to be, I have the capacity to lose it, but I know that if I do, it will be a big mess, so I suck it up and do what is required.

On this particular day, we couldn't find #1's coat. His coat is a huge, red, Land's end, down coat; easy to find in a crowd and hard to misplace. We looked everywhere and each second that passed, he got more and more agitated. "you mean, I will never see it again? I won't have a coat anymore? I will always be cold", he just went on and on. Just shoot me. Where is this coat? If he had hung it up on the hook, we wouldn't be dealing with this right now.....just shoot me.

His bus came and he ran out of the house on that cold day in just his shirt since he refused to wear any type of coat after such a distressing discovery.

Great, just great. He is going to be agitated at school and lament on the missing coat the entire day. And he won't be allowed to go outside for recess and that will make everything that much worse.

I had to find that coat. 

 I first emailed his teachers and gave them a head's up and asked them if he has left the coat at school. The last few days were warmer than usual and he hadn't been needing it the last few days. I then wracked my brain to retrace all our steps since the weekend.

I took him with me to the gym on Sunday, so I gave them a call. They looked around and found the coat. He had left the gym without it and didn't notice because the weather was so warm. 

Yippee! I found the coat!

But now, it had to become a lesson in accountability. He needed to accept the fact that he left his coat behind, go get it, and remember that in the future he needs to keep track of his things.

When he got home from school that afternoon, I told him we located the coat. "Oh, Mom, you're the greatest", he said as he ran towards the trampoline. I blocked his way and told him it was at the gym and that I would take him back to the gym to retrieve it. "No mom, you get it", he said, as he ran around me to get to the trampoline.  Excuse me?  I explained to him that he needed to be accountable for his mistake and get his jacket. But no matter how I phrased it, he wasn't buying it. "I'm going to be cold forever", was all he could say. 

Husband took him to get the coat and he reluctantly went in to the child room to get it. While he looking through the pile of coats, he kept saying,"I'll never have a coat. I will be cold forever." And then  he found his coat. He let out a happy sigh and put it on.

He returned home happy and warm.

Let's hope he learned to keep track of it for now on.
I can't take the drama and coats ain't cheap.

12

As part of the recent Facebook fad, many of my friends were given a number and then they were to  share that number of random facts we may or may have not known about our friend.

I must admit, it has become quite addicting. I mean, I really like learning about these people, many I have known since primary school. It is interesting to learn not only some of the things that they are engaged with as adults, but some of the things that influenced them as children. And if I had been part of it or witnessed it, then it was much cooler.

And then I was given the #12.

With 12 random things about me, well, frankly that was blog-material. I could write a novel of the shit I have done, but picking 12 random facts about me, well, that was going to be challenging.

What was the tone going to be?

What was the intent of the message?

Was I really over thinking this? Yes.

So let me get to business, I have a few things to share..

1) I always believed that I wasn't smart enough to be anything amazing. As a child I was constantly reminded that I wasn't as smart as my older brother academically. As a result, I picked the two hardest things I could think of: speak Chinese and be a lawyer and told myself that I was not smart enough to ever be able to do them.  Ironically, or not so, I learned Chinese as an exchange student in Beijing and  worked in China for five months as a bi-lingual cruise director on a Yangtze River cruise ship. After I returned to the states, I applied to law school and got in to New York Law for the fall of 2001. I decided to turn it down since I didn't want to spend my days translating documents. I realized that decision may have saved my life since I would have been just a few blocks from the World Trade center on 9/11 and since I am a trained first responder, I would have been running towards it and not away.

2) When I was 28, I told people that when my biological clock went off, I'd buy a fish because I didn't want kids. Ironically, every fish I ever owned has died. I am personally responsible for the goldfish shortage in NJ.  The kids...well, they can feed themselves.

3) When I was accepted to be a foreign exchange student in Beijing, I didn't want to pay $1500 to fly there, so I got a ticket to Berlin for $260 and took the train through Germany, Poland, and Russia, on the trans-Siberian through Mongolia to Beijing, and I went alone. When I got off the train, the only Chinese I spoke was "Ni hao" and I had a letter to hand to the cab driver to get me to my school. I did make it and the rest is history.

4) Three of my five children have Autism. I may make it look easy or that it doesn't bother me, but every day is like having to navigate a mine field and it is not easy.

5) I was almost hired by the CIA to work for the Clandestine service. I made it to the last round and failed the Psych exam. Go figure.

6) I was diagnosed with ADHD while I was at Ohio State working on my PhD. When the doctor was reviewing the results with me, she said, "Looking at these results, I am amazed you made it to this stage of academic achievement. It is really amazing".  All those years, I thought I had to work harder because I wasn't as smart as everyone else. 

7) I met my husband in Tae Kwon Do class

8) I was a competitive Tae Kwon Do fighter for four years. My biggest achievement was when I went to the AAU Nationals in Iowa and lost the gold medal match to a woman that was a fourth-degree black belt, which meant  that she was a black-belt for 10 years. I was a meager first degree black belt and had only been in the sport four years total.  Long before the match, people I didn't even know told me to be careful and that she was a really difficult opponent, and if I felt like I couldn't continue the match, it was alright to forfeit. I refused to listen to them and fought as hard as I could.  I lost that match by 1/2 a point and the crowd stood still at judgement because they didn't know who won.

9) I don't drink nearly as much as I imply in my blog.

10) I am jealous of people who have their families around them to help them with their kids. We have always been alone, and sometimes, it just sucks.

11) I have no patience for people who don't keep their word. If you say you're going to do something and you don't and don't apologize, I will never believe you or your intent again.

12)  I am a jack of all trades. I played several instruments in college, taught myself how to refinish furniture, paint, spackle,  drill, scrapbook, sew, garden and the list of what I want to learn keeps growing. It kills me to pay someone to do something I can do myself.

And there you have it. Nothing like having to do some introspection to realize how far you've come.  

Though I do recall a time when I could lie in a hammock all day, enjoying the moment and drinking beers and I wish I could go back there;  if not for the afternoon.

Top 10 Toys That Bring Laughter and Joy. Not.

With the holidays quickly approaching, I decided that a post I wrote last year, "Who really has it in for you", would offer some guidance navigating the holiday season.   

Over the years, I noticed that after birthdays and holidays, my mom-friends talked about gifts; what their kids got, who gave them what, and the "I can't believe someone gave them a chainsaw". With the holidays approaching, I decided to take the grievances I have heard and compose a list.

Top 10 toys people give your kids that really says "I hate you":

1) A drum set. No one buys someone's kid a drum set without having the  image of the kid beating the crap out of it while maintaining a maniacal grin on their face. You just KNOW they giggle themselves into bladder dysfunction at the thought of it in your house and every time they ask you, "so, how does he love the drum set?" 

2) Any toy that talks, plays music, or makes any sound and does not have an "off" switch. That is just plain evil. The origin of a toy like that is from an angry dude in a lab that hated his childhood, his parents and everything else about being a child. They created that toy purposefully as payback to all the parents who are destined to fail just like his own.  Really, all it does is increase my chances of waking up a child at 2am if I happened to step on it. It also makes me want to burn,  pour acid, or throw out, said toy. It is even creepier if the cat hits it in the middle of the night and it says your child's name. See #3.

3) Any toy that you can program to say your kid's name.  If you have ever listened to how these toys say their names, it is creepy. The toy says a few words and then the toy pauses a few seconds and then says the name in a serial killer kind of way;  you'd have an image of Hannibal Lector in you head just like that. And if your kid's name was Clarisse....

4) Puzzles. If you haven't noticed, some kids get really pissed when they spend all that time putting something together and they can't play with it after it's done. Once they try to pick it all up, it breaks apart and a fit ensues. And if one piece gets lost, and if your kid has OCD or transition issues, you'd wish that puzzle came with a supply of Xanax, because that is what you both will need to calm down and redirect your child after making that discovery.  Bottom line: Anything with lots of pieces=they REALLY hate you.

5) Blocks. (see #4) You will not only find these under couches, under beds, in the litter box, or the furnace, years after your child stops playing with them, but they also make great projectiles. Do not leave them near the flat screen TV. That is just heartbreak waiting to happen.

6) Silly putty, play doh or any glutenous matter. This stuff is just plain evil since it is IMPOSSIBLE, to get out of anything it gels with.  And when you notice a huge blob of it mashed into your pretty plush rug, your kids hair, the cat or the sofa, you silently or not so silently, wish karma to come around quickly to the person who gave it to your kid. A nice round of food poisoning should suffice.  It is also fun to try to fish it out of vents, piano keys, outlets and other places it may have been stuffed only to be found by the next owner of your house.  Not to mention, it is not fun for anyone if your kids happen to eat some of it. Bad in, bad out.


7)  Candy, cookies, and ring pops. This is a sneaky gift because they know 
they are setting off dynamite with a very long fuse. By the time the sugar hits your kid's system, they'll be long gone.  They set up your kid's brain to explode after they've run 1,000 laps around the natural track in you house, groomed the cat with a rake, asked you the same question 100 times in a row, and set the house on fire.

8)  Those freaking onesies that say, "If mommy or daddy say 'no', grandma, (grandpa, Auntie Beatrice, the Dalai Lama, King Kong) will say 'yes".  Talk about undermining authority. They are setting you up for failure and justify any future trash talking on Facebook.

9) Paint. Any paint is bad, including: poster, water, brushes, and 'giving you the finger' paint.

10) Anything that is given to them, but is really meant for you. Anything but alcohol, that is. But, how would that look, giving your kid a bottle of Bailey's? Pretty good, I say, but that's me. A book entitled, "How to Keep a Clean Home", "How to Declutter", "Raising Great Children in a White Glove House", or "Why You Should Worship Your In-Laws" with a note attached, "you can share this with mommy." Any gift like that, is just begging to be topped. Watch your back. It may take years, but it's coming.

I hope this list helps you pick presents for that speical someone on your list or validate a "gut feeling" you may have had about a particular someone. 



After all,  holidays are the time when you can let your friends and relatives know exactly how you feel. Embrace your inner passive-aggressive self and let it flow.


Happy Shopping!
 

I want candy

Over the last few weeks, I read countless posts about candy; ranging from eating the candy that was intended for the kids, sorting the Halloween bounty, kids eating their hard earned treats, and the videos of children reacting to being told that all their candy was eaten by someone else.

The truth is, that in our house, candy isn't a big deal. Unless it is dark chocolate. But dark chocolate is chock-full of antioxidants and has ingredients I can pronounce and define. It is fruit of the earth.

Long before we had the kids, Husband and I made an agreement that we weren't going to give them food with little nutritional value. Kids only knew what we taught them and if we taught them about whole foods and nutrition, then that is what they would know and eat. We weren't gong to use food as rewards, or something given as an expression of love. We weren't going to completely deny them of it. If they wanted to try it, fine, but it was limited. But then we entered the world of ABA and incentives and rewards, but that is a different ball of wax.

Over the years, we can say that we've been moderately successful with our plan. #1 doesn't care about candy at all. #2 has impulsive behavior, so the limitations we already had in place, have served him well. #3 and The Twins like some candy, but they also have taken bites out of lesser quality candy and handed it right back to me.

This Halloween, we dressed them all up, and we hit the hood. We reviewed the Halloween protocol: One member of our team would ring or knock once. When a person opened the door, everyone would say "trick or treat" and then after candy was placed in their bags, they would say "Thank you! Happy Halloween."  We wound up having to prep them at almost every house. It's seven words people. Get it down.

 For #1, trick or treating was more about checking out our neighbors houses and seeing who lived there, than the candy. Every house he'd ask, "what's your name again?" Um, you never knew it buddy. They just live among us. At least this year he wasn't trying to enter every single house on the block.  

#2 the Aspy, has the triple allergy: wheat, eggs, and dairy.  For him, trick or treating is all about finding the houses that give him the treats he can have. When he found a house that had Starbursts or Smarties, he was mega-excited. "Look Mom, THEY HAVE SKITTLES!!!!!" Victory dance followed. You work those moves, Wolverine.

#3 was the challenge.  At each house, he would get his piece of candy and then stand there waiting for a second opportunity to score. After the fourth time, we asked why he didn't say "thank you" and get out of the way. He replied that he knew they wanted to give him more candy and if he continued to stand there, they would give it to him. What a clever little bugger.  The candy stalker. Give that kid 100 snicker bars.

The twins were happy to walk around in their costumes, but after the 10th house, they didn't care about the candy, the walk or the fun and wanted to go home.

When we got home, I offered all the kids goodie bags in exchange for their candy. "You can all keep 10 peices of candy and you can trade the rest." The girls glady accepted their dollar store goodies and they kept all of the M&M's. #1 handed me the bag and didn't even want to exchange it for anything, "You can have it. I dont want it,"he said, as he ran off to watch Just Dance Videos.

#2 divided the bag into two piles: the "what I CAN eat" and "what I CAN'T eat". He refused to trade, but asked if he could take the candy and conduct science experiments with it. We let him unwrap the candy and melt it in the microwave. He liked to see which candy melted first and what color it turned and compared the smells. You go buddy. Melt that shit up. So much better than eating it.

 #3 refused to exchange at all. He wanted his bag of candy. He wanted to play with it and eat it. Everyday since Halloween, he asks to eat candy. I always tell him he can have a piece after he finishes his reading. "Aw mom, why you have to be so mean?" he moans. "Well, it's just becasue it comes so naturally," I reply, "no bookie, no candy." Maybe at some point the novelty will wear off, but the meaness, well, that's here to stay. 

So, what did we do with their candy? We gave a bunch to school and they donated it to some hospitals for the kids. I know, like they need that shit? but I digress. We put the rest in a jar on top of the china cabinet for friends that are in desperate need of sugar, or if we need an incentive for #3 or The Twins.

And what did we hand out to the kids this year? We handed out pencils, spider rings, stickers and pretzels. 

No one egged our house.
No one would dare. 
I am from NJ and I own a pick-axe.

Pink reigns supreme

We were playing the fairy game again. A fairy customer would enter the store and once Twin R clicked on her, the text of what she wanted appeared on the screen. The fairy would order an item for a certain season in a particular color. The problem was, the twins can't read yet and I had to be their translator. The bigger problem was Twin R didn't always agree with the customer. She loves pink, she is the human form of Pinkalicious, and if it's not pink, it's putrid. 

Her favorite fairy, Rosetta flew into the store and her words floated to the bottom of the screen.  I read them to her:"I would love a flitterific head band in green." Oh shit, she said green. And the moment the word "green" flew out of my mouth, Twin R lost it entirely. She was yelling at me all because her favorite fairy wanted a green headband. Like it my fault that her favorite fairy fell from pink.  She was red-faced fury and didn't understand why that fairy would want anything other than pink.


When she screams like that, it is so loud and painful, my ears cry. Please make it stop. I  tried to calm her down by telling her, "she is a color friendly fairy. She embraces all colors of the rainbow." That is more than we can say about Russia at the moment. "NO! YOU'RE STUPID MOMMY!" whoa, she's getting personal here. I'm just the translator.,  she yelled back. "SHE IS PINK.  SHE WEARS PINK. SHE IS MY FAIRY AND SHE WEARS PINK!!! NO GREEN." Can't be your Russian heritage shining through, it is a pink pride parade.

How do you move on from there?

I did the one logical thing that made her happy. I told her, "Make the clothing you want to make. Make it all pink. And if the customers don't want it, drop them  and find customers that appreciate your work." That won't land her any jobs in the future, but maybe she'll be the next big diva designer and she won't have to care.  With those instructions, she smiled, grabbed my iPad and walked away. Give that mommy a prize. You are a winner!

I went to the kitchen, poured a vodka & v-8 and celebrated not having to read any more fairy orders.

 It was a win-win.

Vocabulary Words, Fractions and Wine-Repost

Tonight I feel like I should put a sticky on #1's homework explaining that I had a couple of glasses of wine before I sat down to help him. His homework involved writing 12 sentences with his vocabulary words. This week his vocabulary words were contractions. He was given the original form and had to find the contraction and write a sentence. I also had to help him prepare for his math test.

 #1 is more text book autistic. Of the three boys, he is the least functioning. Although he still is considered high functioning, there are moments he seems to be conversing with aliens. He does have  a great sense of humor, so we use that to help him learn. We make up silly things or songs to make learning a bit easier for him.

For him to come up with his own sentences, I have to make up several model type sentences to cement pragmatics with him. One of the methods I have for learning new vocabulary stems back to my days at Cornell in the intensive Chinese language program. We used to make the most obnoxious sentences we could with our new words. It was an exercise in humor and pragmatics.

So this evening, with wine in my system, we got the homework done. I should say now, as a side bar, that #1 is very food motivated; picky, but he likes his food. He is the kid at the pool who can walk up to anyone who is eating pizza, look at them and say "pizza, I love pizza. Can I have some" and he asks this question as he is reaching into the box with a hand on a slice. He is the stealth stealer of cookies, pretzels and other carbs. So this evening his sentences were food orientated.

First contraction: I will= I'll
My sentences: "I'll be having another drink shortly. I'll be glad when we have a babysitter. I'll soon be committed to a sanatorium."
His sentence: "I'll get to eat cookies."

Second contraction: I have= I've
My sentences: "I've got to get a local babysitter. I've got to buy more duct tape. I've got to make sure the other kids aren't trashing the house while I'm sitting here."
His sentence: "I've been eating pizza all day long"

Third contraction: Would not= Wouldn't
My sentences: " I wouldn't want to run out of vodka. I wouldn't want to vacuum up #3's lego pieces. I wouldn't want you to get diarrhea."(he laughs)
His sentence: "She wouldn't share her food."

Fourth contraction: Should not= Shouldn't
My  sentences: "You shouldn't put duct tape on the cat. You shouldn't eat fish and peanut butter sandwiches. You shouldn't go into our creepy neighbor's home. Ever."
His sentence:"She shouldn't be so selfish"

Fifth contraction: It will= It'll
My sentences: "It'll be a good day when we have a babysitter that comes back. It'll be great when I have a pool boy."
His sentence: "It'll be a good day."

Sixth contraction: Will not=Won't
My sentences: "I won't go to Walmart and act like a peacock. I won't mix beer and vodka. I won't run outside without clothes."(he smiles)
His sentence: "I won't steal your food."

Seventh contraction: Did not=didn't
My  sentences: "I didn't eat your pizza. I didn't know parenthood could be this much fun."
His sentence: "I didn't eat your food."

Eighth contraction: They have=they've
My sentences: They've come to take me to the funny farm. They've offered me more wine"
His sentence: "They've given me cookies."

Ninth contraction: I am=I'm
My sentences: "I'm losing my mind.  I'm in need of more wine. I'm going to have to write a note to your teacher."
His sentence: "I'm going to eat my food."

Tenth contraction: Can not= Can't
My sentences: "What do yo mean, I can't buy vodka on Sunday? I can't believe they found me again." 
His sentence: "You can't eat my food."

Eleventh contraction: Where did= Where'd
My sentences:"Where'd all my brain cell go? Where'd all the wine in my glass go?"
His sentence: "Where'd my pizza go?"

Twelfth contraction: You have=You've
My sentences: "You've got to be kidding me with these fractions. Sorry, you've been mistaken, if you think I remember anything about fractions." 
His sentence: "You've got to give me more pizza."


During the time he was writing, I looked over the review for his math test. Fractions, my favorite. I am so horrible at fractions. I started to laugh when I saw this:

 I didn't see "I don't give a crap" as an option. Who goes to Iowa anyway?


What fraction of questions will your mom get right based on her inadequate math education?

What fraction properly represents how much your mother cares about fractions?

I didn't see, "enough to make my ass grow", as a possible answer. I could explain my estimate this way: "My pants fit much better before I ate the pie and now I have to lie on the bed and use pliers to zip up my pants."

What fraction represents the number of fourth graders that know fractions better than your mother? Explain your work. My mom killed too many brain cells in college and the rest are dying at an alarming rate.

When my husband heard me cackling in the dining room, he decided it was time to take over. Good idea, cause I think I have to write a sticky note

Breaking the record

"MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM", I heard #2 the Aspy, calling me in the "I know the people in South America can hear me from here" voice. "You're really loud," I told him. "Sorry.  I want to be in the Guinness Book of Word Records. What can I do to get in there?"

"I can build the world's largest sandwich and we can feed the world," he said. I asked him how someone would make bread for that and where he'd get the food. He then changed his mind.

"Why do you want to be in there?"  I asked him. "Most people don't even read it nor know anyone that is in there."

Not even phased, he continued talking and I'm quite sure that I didn't need to be in the room since he seemed to be talking to the air.

"We can build the world's largest fruit tower." Ok, how did I get roped into this? I asked him again, where the food would come from since all the fruit would need to be purchased from somewhere. "We'll ask our neighbors" he replied.  How much fruit does he think they eat?

Maybe he meant the world's largest fruit tower in Munchkin Land.

After listening to all his grand plans of food wasting, I suggested, "why don't you try to be the worlds fastest house cleaner? You can vacuum to practice. You know, it takes practice and training to get fast." 

He wasn't taking the bait. "Oh, mom. That's not in there." I asked him how he knew and he gave me the "what are you a moron? look, and kept brainstorming. Wait, did he just ROLL HIS EYES AT ME?!?!

An hour later he had come up with dozens of ideas but he hadn't consulted the book to see if they were records to break or set.

I finally said to him, "ya know, this year you get to participate in the Geo-Bee and you will be the youngest in the state participating.(When we moved to MD, he had already completed Kindergarten and someone with the same exact birthday as him is a full year below him.) We can check who the youngest winner of the Geo-Bee is and you can beat him." 

I saw his whole demeanor change and we went on Google to research "youngest Geo-Bee winner".  The youngest winner was a home-schooled 10 year old from Minnesota.  When #2 saw that he could be the first nine-year-old to win the Geo-Bee, he got excited. 

He is a Geography whiz. He loves maps and foreign cultures and is constantly regurgitating facts.  Nothing like hearing a random fact about the Incas at 6:30am on a Saturday morning. During the summer Olympics opening ceremonies in 2012, we placed a map of the world on the wall and he marked off each country as they entered the stadium. He only had trouble finding Seychelles.

"I can beat him Momma, " he proclaimed.

"I bet you can. But for now, you just have to practice," I replied.

And maybe we can work on some vacuuming too. I heard it is the National Sport of Seychelles.