This year has been tough but not for the reasons you'd think.
You see, this is the year my #1 was supposed to graduate. Let's say, that if everything was in alignment, he didn't fail any classes or had any serious educational issues, he would indeed be graduating with the kids that he started his educational journey with.
These are the kids, I invited to his birthday parties, chaperoned during school trips, said "hello" to at school and created a bridge and forged a relationship with for #1's sake. Because he didn't know how to be friends with peers in a way they understood, he needed me as his translator. And boy, I was a great translator. All the kids gravitated to him and I felt like all was good in the world because he had friends. And it was great for me to be around all those fabulous kids who actually engaged, joked and shared their thoughts.
But in middle school, we amended his IEP and changed his status from diploma to certificate bound, it meant that he could stay in school until he was 22. In many ways, it was a great thing; he was given the opportunity to stay in school and learn at a slower pace. However, when he was changed to non-diploma track, it lessened his interaction with his typical peers. He repeated seventh grade, his typical friends, moved on to high school with out him, and then the pool of typical friends dried up. And each year, the great divide between them grew and now the chasm is so great that it seems impossible to breech.
In high school, he moved to a self contained class, so the opportunities to see his typical peer friends was reduced to hallway sightings. Only a few of the kids from elementary or middle school saw him and engaged. And after they graduate, the number of typical peers who know him will greatly reduce each subsequent year.
Now I understand that the choice to extend his education was necessary. That is not in question. I have always been a crazy, momma bear, advocate for this kid since we had him. And all this time, I have focused on all the great things he can do and will do. I never compared him to what those typical peers were doing. I always accepted him and grew him as best as I could. I never grieved for the child I didn't have.
Until now.
On Facebook, I see posts from the proud parents of his classmates touting accolades about their child passing the drivers test, excelling in sports, getting into college, posting pics of senior babies, and senior class activities.
It is in my face and I am grieving about the life I wish he could have had. I wish I could be there with that pack of parents I went through the ranks with and share at the same level. But, I can't. My child will never drive. My child will never live independently. My child is not able to do the things his typical peers can do. My oldest will likely graduate alongside my youngest. And it hurts.
It's awkward to face them. "You're kid's going to Brown? Awesome. You must be so proud".
And then the grieving process begins again.
I had to take a break from Facebook because it became too much to bear.
I was asked by a friend if he is aware that his original group of typical peers are graduating. I really am not sure. I don't think it affects him at all. And that is good.
However for me, it is a struggle. A pointless one, but it still hurts.
