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Top 10 Toys That Bring Laughter and Joy. Not.


Dear Santa, Please bring my mom a cleaning lady and a few bottles of vodka. We're Jewish, but 
she's going crazy and 
we're getting desperate.
With the holidays quickly approaching, I decided that a post I wrote last year, "Who really has it in for you", would offer some guidance navigating the holiday season.   

Over the years, I noticed that after birthdays and holidays, my mom-friends talked about gifts; what their kids got, who gave them what, and the "I can't believe someone gave them a chainsaw". With the holidays approaching, I decided to take the grievances I have heard and compose a list.

Top 10 toys people give your kids that really says "I hate you":

1) A drum set. No one buys someone's kid a drum set without having the  image of the kid beating the crap out of it while maintaining a maniacal grin on their face. You just KNOW they giggle themselves into bladder dysfunction at the thought of it in your house and every time they ask you, "so, how does he love the drum set?" 

2) Any toy that talks, plays music, or makes any sound and does not have an "off" switch. That is just plain evil. The origin of a toy like that is from an angry dude in a lab that hated his childhood, his parents and everything else about being a child. They created that toy purposefully as payback to all the parents who are destined to fail just like his own.  Really, all it does is increase my chances of waking up a child at 2am if I happened to step on it. It also makes me want to burn,  pour acid, or throw out, said toy. It is even creepier if the cat hits it in the middle of the night and it says your child's name. See #3.

3) Any toy that you can program to say your kid's name.  If you have ever listened to how these toys say their names, it is creepy. The toy says a few words and then the toy pauses a few seconds and then says the name in a serial killer kind of way;  you'd have an image of Hannibal Lector in you head just like that. And if your kid's name was Clarisse....

4) Puzzles. If you haven't noticed, some kids get really pissed when they spend all that time putting something together and they can't play with it after it's done. Once they try to pick it all up, it breaks apart and a fit ensues. And if one piece gets lost, and if your kid has OCD or transition issues, you'd wish that puzzle came with a supply of Xanax, because that is what you both will need to calm down and redirect your child after making that discovery.  Bottom line: Anything with lots of pieces=they REALLY hate you.

5) Blocks. (see #4) You will not only find these under couches, under beds, in the litter box, or the furnace, years after your child stops playing with them, but they also make great projectiles. Do not leave them near the flat screen TV. That is just heartbreak waiting to happen.

6) Silly putty, play doh or any glutenous matter. This stuff is just plain evil since it is IMPOSSIBLE, to get out of anything it gels with.  And when you notice a huge blob of it mashed into your pretty plush rug, your kids hair, the cat or the sofa, you silently or not so silently, wish karma to come around quickly to the person who gave it to your kid. A nice round of food poisoning should suffice It is also fun to try to fish it out of vents, piano keys, outlets and other places it may have been stuffed only to be found by the next owner of your house.  Not to mention, it is not fun for anyone if your kids happen to eat some of it. Bad in, bad out.


7)  Candy, cookies, and ring pops. This is a sneaky gift because they know 
they are setting off dynamite with a very long fuse. By the time the sugar hits your kid's system, they'll be long gone.  They set up your kid's brain to explode after they've run 1,000 laps around the natural track in you house, groomed the cat with a rake, asked you the same question 100 times in a row, and set the house on fire.

8)  Those freaking onesies that say, "If mommy or daddy say 'no', grandma, (grandpa, Auntie Beatrice, the Dalai Lama, King Kong) will say 'yes".  Talk about undermining authority. They are setting you up for failure and justify any future trash talking on Facebook.

9) Paint. Any paint is bad, including: poster, water, brushes, and 'giving you the finger' paint.

10) Anything that is given to them, but is really meant for you. Anything but alcohol, that is. But, how would that look, giving your kid a bottle of Bailey's? Pretty good, I say, but that's me. A book entitled, "How to Keep a Clean Home", "How to Declutter", "Raising Great Children in a White Glove House", or "Why You Should Worship Your In-Laws" with a note attached, "you can share this with mommy." Any gift like that, is just begging to be topped. Watch your back. It may take years, but it's coming.

I hope this list helps you pick presents for that speical someone on your list or validate a "gut feeling" you may have had about a particular someone. 



After all,  holidays are the time when you can let your friends and relatives know exactly how you feel. Embrace your inner passive-aggressive self and let it flow.


Happy Shopping!
 

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