Just Give it a Try

I admit, I dropped the ball a little. Once the girls began going on the potty full time, I really didn't mind begin summoned, "I"M DONE", to wipe their bottoms.  Hey, the hard part was done. I didn't have to follow them around and watch for the potty dance, clean up accidents,  or buy diapers which greatly depreciated the wine fun. 

So when they called, I assumed wipe duty.

And now they are five and will be starting camp soon and I realized that they will have to be transitioned out of this dependence. 

So this morning, Twin "S" was on the potty after her  announcement, "I HAVE TO GO POOPIES". When she was finished, she called out her usual, "I'm done." I handed her the paper and told her, " You know, you're five now and you will be going to music camp soon. I won't be there to wipe your bottom for you and you need to learn how to do this yourself."

She scrunched her face up and said, "then I won't go potty at camp."  Yea, good luck with that one. Followed up with, "why can't you come with me?" Well became most kids don't travel with their own official butt wipers.

I then listed all the kids we know that wipe their own butts. She seemed surprised that her brothers have the skill and she thought about it for a minute, assessed the challenge, and then said, "you do it."

I held my ground and then did what anyone else would do, I made up a song and Disney-fied it.

"Give it a wipe and drop it down,
 then they'll be applause around,
Just give it a try, just give it a try." 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO"
 
"Give it a try and and wipe it up, 
and I'll give you two thumbs up,
Just give it a try, just give it a try."

 Her face scrunched up and she screamed, "NOOOOO, YOU DO IT!!!!!!"

"Give it a try, it'll be ok
 you'll wipe your own butt today
just give it a try, just give it a try"

"MOMMMMMMMY YOU DO IT"

So I kept singing and then added some ultra-fine dance moves, but she was not buying it.

Convinced my song was just fine and the critic was hostile, I walked away for a few minutes.

I returned a few minute later, looked at her tear-streaked face and the drop of liquid boogers resting on the crease of her lip, and felt the pang. I needed to ease her out of this distress.

I asked her, "are you afraid of getting poop on your hands?" She nodded. "Well, the paper will touch the poop and you won't get any on your hands. That's why we always wash our hands after we go potty."

I convinced her to try together and although she didn't exactly hit the target, she gave it a try and I finished up.

The Disney finale:
"You gave it a try, you wiped your butt
and now I'll give you two thumbs up.
You gave it a try, you gave it a try"

I asked Twin "R" if she was ready to wipe on her own when she went potty. She replied, "I will do it myself and you won't sing a word."

So much for my new career as a singer/songwriter.

The critics have spoken.

Dear Music Teacher

Dear Instrumental music teacher, I just got #1's report card and I see you gave him a "C". I read your criteria for grading and I am confused and angry and based on my Anger Management post, I really want to punch you in the face.

You see, I was a music major in college for three years and I went to school with people like you. The introverted music performer who got into education because it was really the only way to make a living. The thing is, you are a pretty crappy teacher when it comes to educating my kid. I watched you in concert, you had no fun, you sparked no excitement. You loved the talented kids and tolerated the rest of them.

You see, at #2 & #3's school, they have an awesome instrumental teacher. He is funny and makes everyone in the school wish they were old enough to play an instrument. He is a representative of the entire music program, the first face the kids see and their first exposure. If you don't ignite them, they will not be inspired to play.

You don't ignite the kids, just my nerves.

When we talked at the beginning of the year, before he chose his instrument, I told you that saxophone was my primary instrument in college and if he didn't get to play percussion, then saxophone would be his second choice.

So when you said that you start all the winds on clarinet and then change. I was confused.  Clarinet is an open keyed instrument. Take a kid who gets OT because they have fine and gross motor issues; who will already have some challenges with sitting up tall, blowing in to an instrument, and on top of it,  add the need to cover the holes, you are asking for failure. 

I went along with your decision and as a precaution, asked the OT to  accompany #1 to lessons to lend a hand and offer strategies, but you sent her away because you felt she wasn't needed.  I played clarinet too, so I helped him everyday as part of his homework and he wasn't getting better. I finally wrote you an email and told you I was switching #1 to saxophone. 

We practice five days a week and he has made so much progress since he switched. We work on all the band music and the exercises. The hardest part is getting him to learn the notes but since he has perfect pitch,  I sing the notes, and he can match them. You even said he was getting better.

And then his report card came home and you gave him a "C'. He had never forgotten his instrument, always was prepared and got a freaking "C". I saw that paper and lost my mind. And wrote you this email:

Hi ---, I just received #1's report card and I'm really confused. I log all his practice time in the front of the lesson book, yet you penalized him for not practicing. If you look in the front of the book where the log is, you will see the information.

Secondly, I don't know how you can grade a kid's behavior when it is specified in the IEP that he has a disability. That should be taken into consideration, and the fact that he is cooperating at all should be nothing short of amazing.

Lastly, I don't know how you can penalize someone for not having adequate note reading skills when you write all the notes above or below the note. That really doesn't encourage someone to learn the notes, rather to use it as a crutch. And, once again, if you read his IEP, you would see that he has transition issues, which translates as, teach him the way you want him to be. I sing the notes to him and NEVER write them down.

You really need to rethink the way you're choosing to evaluate him. I trusted you once with choosing an open keyed instrument on a kid with fine/gross motor issues.  But, now it obvious you have no clue as to what his IEP says at all, nor what fine/gross-motor delays really translate to in your field. That is why I sent the OT in to help when you insisted on him starting with the clarinet. I saw the red-flags and you didn't.

I am asking that you look at the log book in the front of the lesson book and submit a grade that reflects your oversight. 

Thank you

March Fourth

This morning I  was getting the kids ready for school, I glanced at Facebook and read a post of a great writer-friend from college. She shared a quote from Harry Connick Jr, "Today is the only day of the year that means 'go forward' - March 4th."

And with that, I was inspired. I thought about how time marches on unforgivingly. How seemingly in  the blink of an eye, my first baby is now 11 and the twins are five. Time marched on as I was getting the children evaluations, going to OT appointments, visiting the Behavioral Psychologists, and making incentive charts. 

Time passed with every book I read to the kids, every tea party, soccer game, hockey practice and with every time-out and meltdown. 

I thought about how much time has passed since we left our home in New Jersey to start a new chapter in Maryland. In August it will be four years and although there are still boxes we haven't unpacked, I can finally say that everything has fallen into place and we have a good life here. We have friends, people we can count on, great doctors, and a great Autism & special needs Community.  I am finally teaching yoga again and it will just keep getting better.

So today, on March Fourth, I am inspired to March forth and be mindful about the swift passage of time.  I will remain steadfast in my belief that each one of my children, regardless of their issues, will grow up to be nothing short of amazing. And, I will continue to believe that each day has the capacity for greatness, and make will make it my mission to find and share it. 

Sometimes, inspiration is just a Facebook post away.

So march forth friends, because St. Patrick's day is right around the corner.

Game Stop Drama

Every weekend I take #1 with me to do errands. Sometimes, as part of our outing, we stop at Game Stop and let him walk around the store, play some of the games and look at all the new video games. I love the staff at Game Stop because they love their jobs and know all the kids. #1 is comfortable asking them questions and they gladly engage and answer him.

This week, I told him the order of the errands. There were four stops and Game Stop was our second stop.

But when we pulled up to the store, it was gone. There was just an empty shell of the store that used to be. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. And when he realized it wasn't there, he fell into his default mode, "OH NOOOOO! YOU MEAN IT'S GONE FOREVER? My precious Game Stop, you can't be gone. Where are you? ARE YOU GONE FOREVER? Oh Mom, THIS IS WORST DAY OF MY LIFE."

I reassured him, "It's ok, there are two other locations. Let's do the third errand and then we'll go to the other one."  We got to Home Depot and he continued to lament on such a tragedy. He couldn't focus on the task and just wondered aimlessly around the store saying, "Game Stop is gone forever. I will never see my favorite store again."

I drove three miles north to the next location. We parked, got out of the car and discovered that store was also gone and another store was in it's place. Crap, crap, crap. What the hell? And then he absolutely lost it. He threw himself on the ground. I reminded him there was still one store we could go to and I bribed him with brownies to get up. Glad there weren't a lot of people around to stare.

We got back in the car and I was nervous. I had one more shot at this and if we failed, then it would be bad. There is one more store five miles in the opposite direction. We are going. Why the hell are they closed?

I told him, "I know this is really hard. Let's go to the other one and if it's not open, you can eat whatever is left of the brownies when we get home." It did calm him a bit, but the questions kept coming. "IS IT GONE FOREVER?????"

We were only supposed to be out an hour but we drove south to the location of the last store. When we pulled in the parking lot, #1 spotted the store, intact and open. With a nervous laugh and a sign of relief, he said, "Mom, it's here. I am so happy." He got out of the car, walked to the door and before he entered he said, "My precious Game Stop, I thought I lost you forever" and then kissed the window.

We walked in and after he gave one of the game displays a hug, he approached the manager and said, "I'm so glad you're here". And then he demanded answers. "Why are my stores closed? And then he ran off to inspect the store before he could answer.

The manager explained that there was a conflict between the landlord and Game Stop corporate so the store closed and will reopen in another location in the future.

We saw one of the staff members from our store and he told us it had closed right after our last visit two weeks ago. As I was talking to him, #1 walked up to me and placed a Disney Infinity character in my hand, "Here ya go, Mom. Are we getting this?"

"Yea buddy, we can get this", I replied. "This was a rough evening for you and you handled it well. At least now, you don't need those brownies."

He stopped in his tracks, turned around, looked at me and said, "Ah, Mom, I still want those brownies." Direct eye contact.

I smiled and said, "Ok buddy, but just one."
He smiled and ran off to look at another display.

Whew, Crisis averted this time. I can put the cape away now.

Dear Game Stop, please reopen your store in my town quickly. Sincerely, Shari

Celebrating 100

I realized this week that I published my 100 post. In a little over a year, I have written about all types of stuff; some funny, some not, some slightly offensive, some brutally honest and some that just came out of nowhere, which made you wonder what I was drinking at the time I wrote it.

There are days that I wonder who really reads this. I mean, I look at my stats and I know that I have audiences around the world. That one person in Indonesia matters to me as well as my one reader in Sweden, Australia, Colombia, and Brazil. I appreciate those two people in Great Britain, China, Canada and Indonesia. And I am happy with the 15 Russians, those 15 Germans and the several hundred of readers in the USA. Not sure if they were looking for porn and the search engine disappointingly let them to my site, but I can dream.

Looking at the posts with the post hits, "Potty Training Hell" is the number one post with over 370 views. Surprisingly, "Homeless Woman" was number two with 231 hits. Number three is "Playing Appropriately" with 197 hits.

I must admit that some days I wonder if I should continue writing and some days the words won't come because my head is spinning too fast. 

But, I have over 77 drafts that need to finish, so if you want to see them completed,  comment today. Let me know the funniest thing your kid(s), students did or said to you. 

I want to know. Really. Feedback is a nice thing. 

Happy 100 to Casa de Crazy.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

I was reading an article in O Magazine, called "Cloudy With a Chance of Rage" in which the author explained how she found herself being increasingly agitated and verbally abusive with people while not knowing the root of the anger.

I thought about the many times I've had to suppress the desire to punch people in the face; bad driving, not holding doors, judgmental looks at my kid's behavior, and the list continues. It's not just a Jersey thing. And maybe, just maybe, there is a wee bit of stress in my life that contributes to these feelings.

I thought about how similar these feeling seem to the meltdowns that I deal with at home and then it all made sense. The feelings behind the meltdowns weren't solely an Autism expression of anger and frustration,as it was a person expressing their feelings. Although many ASD kids don't have the words or the ability to deal with or identify the root of their feelings, we ALL have anger issues which stem from frustrations and stressors in our lives. How we cope with them is as individaul as the triggers that cause them.

When our kids have meltdowns, we give them a time out and expect that they can redirect out of the mess in just a few minutes.  At the end of the time-out, sometimes they seem fine. When they don't, we do what we need to do to get them back on track. However, when they melt down again 10 minutes later seemingly from the same stressors as before, we seem suprised and even a  little annoyed that they are back in the melt-zone so easily. 

The author quoted anger-specialist, author, Ronald Potter-Efron PhD's book, Healing the Angry Brain. He said, "People assume they're calm after 30 seconds of deep breathing, but our bodies don't recover that quickly. Though we may feel a pseudo-calm, most people truly need 20 minutes to an hour to truly let the emotion pass." 

I had to read that several times to realize the good news; that is normal behavior that applies to everyone; It wasn't ASD specific. 

The main difference between the average mind and the ASD mind, is that usually we can reflect and determine what we need to do to get ourselves out of the muck; exercise, call a friend, drink a glass of wine, whatever. However, our kids on the spectrum have a bit more difficulty pulling out, redirecting, and moving on. It may even take days for those that tend to perseverate on things. I know that when #2, the Aspy, comes home from school in an agitated state, that he won't be good again until he takes a long rest in a quiet place, otherwise, he can't let it go.



The good thing about the article is that it reminded me that everyone feels anger and needs an adequate cool down period. I realized the cool-down time I give the kids is really based on what I think they need. At least in this category, I'm doing something right.  And I should grant that amount of time for myself and everyone else too. 

As long as I have an ample opportunity to keep my temper in check, we're all good. No one-finger-salutes on the highway today.

.

A letter to my Twins turning 5

Dear Girls, you are turning five and that is huge. You see, I remember my fifth birthday to a flaw. I remember the big chocolate coin my grandfather gave me, which melted all over my face, hands and clothes and then my grandmother had to get me cleaned up. It may have not been the best decision my grandfather could have made on that hot June day. I remember the presents, the people and the location. I even remember being miffed that my brothers got presents on MY day. But, the fact I got more presents than them, and I got the coin, made it better.

I look at you turning five as the year of transition. In the fall, you will be going into full-day kindergarten and it will be huge for all of us. You see, you are my babies and you mark the end of an era. When you go off to school, there will be no one at home to demand my time and for the first time in over a decade, I will be alone.

I was thinking about the things you have outgrown; the clothes, shoes and toys. I look at each girl thing we acquired just for you and I remember the day it was given to you. It is hard to believe that your first birthday was four years ago and it seems to have gone remarkably fast.

I thought about the things that I wish I could bottle up because I will miss them as you grow bigger and  faster than I want you to.

Although there are many little things that make me smile each day in addition to the tedious things you do, such as smear yogurt all over your body because you're playing spa, I compiled a list of the top 11 things I will miss from you being this small.

1) Dancing with you in the kitchen. We spent 
many mornings, especially after we moved to Maryland, dancing to Bon Jovi in the kitchen. I'd pick you up and ballroom dance around the kitchen. You'd take turns, holding your hands up, begging for your turn and got upset if you thought your sister got one second longer than you did. Even now, although we don't dance as often, I think about how much I will miss it when I can no longer pick you up and Tango with you. I told Twin R that I will miss dancing with her when she gets bigger and she replied, "don't worry  Mommy, I will dance right next to you". I'm counting on that.

  2) Going shopping with you. Now, as much as it was tedious in some ways when you wanted to eat everything you saw in the grocery store, not yet understanding the concept of paying for stuff before you ate it, the two of you were a big draw at the anywhere. As you sat and sang siting in the cart,  I couldn't go 10 feet without asking the "are they twins?" question, or someone commenting on how beautiful, adorable, and cute the two of you are. And for Dad, who is somewhat introverted, he had to adjust to the attention and conversation the two of you drew.  I will miss our game at the end of the shopping, when we'd leave the store and I would run to pick up speed down the little slope and then hop on the cart and together we would sail through the parking lot to our van while screaming "weeeeeee". We made people smile because we were enjoying the moment.

3) Your mismatched pronunciation in your little sweet voices. "Mommy, did you buy us new dwesses to wear on our bwerthday?"

4) Being viewed as "the best mom in the universe". The closest I will ever get to seeing perfection in myself is the way I see myself through your eyes. I will miss being the one you want to be with, the one you run to and the one you want to play with. I will miss the way you grab my legs when you're shy or know I'm trying to leave the house without you. And we know Twin R wishes there was a seat on my leg so she could hang there all the time.  

5) Your sudden outbursts of song. When the two of you decide to sing, which is usually some type of My Little Pony Song, there is no such thing as shyness or volume control. The two of you belt out your songs Ethel Merman style no matter where we are; the store, post office, gym, school and it doesn't matter, 
because you're singing for yourselves and each other.

 6)  When you stop calling each other "Gurl". "No Gurl, the pony is mine. Wake up Gurl. Come on Gurl, let's play."

7) When a Disney band-aid, an icepack and a cookie doesn't make things right again.

8) When you stop getting excited about me washing your favorite nightgowns or underwear. "Mommy thank you so much for washing my Tinkerbell nightgown! It is my favorite! I love you soooo much!"

9) The greeting I get when I retrieve you from the child-care room at the gym. When I walk back in, regardless if it is 15 minutes or two hours, you let out these high-pitch squeals that make everyone think you've just won the lottery. That is a greeting I will never get tired of and be sad with its departure.

10) My lap being the best seat in the house. As soon as I sat down, within two minutes, both of you would be clamoring for position on my lap. It was an easy fit when you were younger, but my lap doesn't accommodate both of you at the same time as easily as it once did. It's a tight fit, and hard to balance and read a book at the same time, but it works for now. 

11) The way you run. I loved the way you ran up the sidewalk at 18 months. I watched your little diaper swish as your little bottoms ran up the street. And although I was immersed in the cuteness, I was on alert because you fell so easily and didn't know how to use your hands to stop yourself from banging your head. I have watched your running style over the last few years as the awkwardness of movement decreased and your motor skills improved. Now, athough you run like big girls, I still can see that two-year-old in you sometimes.

There are many, many other things I look at and wish to burn them in my mind: like how small you feet still are or the sweet, awkward way you brush the hair out of your faces or the way you manage to get covered in peanut butter ever single time you eat it. And I love how you appreciate the beauty of the world.

I love the way you approach the world; head on without fear. Although I'm not sure if you appear fearless because I am by you side, I want you to always have that courage to be yourself, be brazen and explore the unknown.

May you always be ever-fabulous.
Your first word was "shoe" It is your, destiny.

Happy Birthday girls. Mommy loves you. 

Let's hear it for the Gurls!