Rise of the Commando Crusader

Every kid of mine has some sensory issue. Two don't like the tags in shirts, three don't like pants that button and zipper. And then we have #3 who doesn't like to wear underwear.

We've had several blown-out tantrums regarding underwear. We developed several behavioral plans to address it.  Rewards, praise and incentives work most of the time, but now since he dresses himself, it is harder to run the show. This summer he has been pretty consistent about wearing it, but we still ask almost every day.

This morning, he was wearing #1's shirt which looked like a dress on him. I asked him if he was wearing shorts. He laughed as he picked up the shirt to reveal his shorts underneath. And then I asked him the question, "are you wearing underwear?" He said "yes" but his face said, "I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you". I told him to show me, and he refused. Busted, I then walked towards him to grab him and take a look which became a game of "catch me." When I finally did catch him, my suspicions were confirmed, he was once again the Commando Crusader.

Once that news was released, #1 was the reporter getting the story. "why don't you like underwear?""what's wrong with underwear?" But #1 has a hands-on approach to interviewing, and was practically on top of him while asking. A wave of  the future, sensory interviews. I'll sit on top of you, tell me what I want to know, and you'll feel good telling me. Then #2 chimed in, "you need to wear underwear. That is the rule. Mommy, why doesn't he want wear underwear." And with all the questions being asked, #3 wasn't answering. And the longer he refrained from answering, the more they asked, which only agitated #1, and in turn, agitated #2. And, that caused #2  to pull #1 away from #3 while saying rude and hurtful things to him. Think you're confused? Try being in the middle of that.   Once upon a time, when someone didn't wear underpants, it meant a party was imminent. Those days are over. Today, it meant chaos. No party until they all leave. Good morning, Bloody Mary.

So there I was, 7:30 am, waiting for the school bus, #1 couldn't get past his need to know, #2 was annoyed with #1's persistence and #3 was not revealing why underwear was his arch nemesis. I decided to let him go commando since he had underwear at school and if it was a problem, they could change him there. I had a feeling that if I had pushed the issue, he would have melted. Now usually, I am ok with a meltdown, but today, I sensed that if I had pushed it, the meltdown would have been a super-storm. It is hard to predict the rate that he will recover; sometimes it takes five minutes and sometimes all day and being that his bus was due any moment, I chose to not push the issue. Instead, I asked him to brush his teeth and put his shoes on, and he did that without issue.

But, #1 kept asking him and as much as I tried to tell him why, the answer wasn't good enough because it didn't come from the source. A true reporter. Gotta get the facts.

When the school bus arrived, #1 and #2 ran down the driveway to the bus. #3 slowly got off the porch swing and said, "because it makes my butt itchy."  But by then, they were both way out of ear-shot. As he walked to the bus I told him to say that to #1 when he got on the bus. "Nope. I will not." And then he got on the bus and it pulled away. Little shit. I just learned that the Commando Crusader's secret identity is puppet master. Talk about an ODD, attention seeker.

Maybe I need to sew the underwear into the shorts. Hmm, not a bad idea. Let me count the ways over my next drink. The vodka will guide me.