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Vodka-infused Mother's day

Vodka. The perfect Mother's day present!
Cause frankly,
looking at our kids,
we're fucked. The Rolling Stone's song, "You can't always get what you want", always to come to mind when I am asked what I'd like for Mother's day. "What do you want for Mother's day, mommy?" and immediately my mind goes to the impossible, a pool boy, a beach vacation alone, a villa in Tuscany, a years subscription to the Chippendale's cleaning company. I'm sure they make housecleaning a snap. Well maybe not, I'd be dropping stuff all over the house so they could pick it up while wearing that thong. Thank you. Thank you, come again.

Many of us with small kids have on our lists:  Bathroom time without an audience, not having to answer "why" questions for an afternoon, not having to change diapers, and a nap. It also would feel good to have a moment to think and remember why you walked into a room in the first place. oh yea, I did have to go potty. 

Moms of school age children would be happy with: no homework, kids that listened and put their crap away and not ask where it went after they refused to put it away. Added bonuses, would be if they kept their pants pulled up, and not having to schlep them all over town for all activities.  

As moms, we know that we unless we put subliminal messages into netflix shows and held the remote controls hostage, the messages will not be received. You really want to know what I want for Mother's Day? Here you go; The top ten things Moms really want:

1) Surprise us with niceness. It would be nice if we weren't 100%  responsible for arranging any couple time we have together outside the house. Sometimes, for me to get a sitter, I have to jump through fire and it goes unnoticed. It's like you got a free pass. It would be nice to go out without having to do all the work. 

2) A spa anything, even if it was a pass to sit in the lobby and read trashy magazines.

3) Let us leave the house, ALONE. Alone time should not equal the time it takes to get the mail.

4) I want to unplug. I don't want to find that f-ing toy that our kid has lost for the millionth time which is most likely in the same f-ing place they last put it. No aliens, no acts of war, it is still wherever the fuck they left it. I want nothing to do with it. Plain and simple.

5) I want some of my TV shows on the DVR to have a higher rating than some of the kid's shows. Can't I just have one f-ing show? Screw the bloody Bubble Guppies. Mama needs some distracting Bravo shows to remember the importance of an education. 

6) I want someone else to vacuum the van. 

7) To get in writing that all the burden associated with presents for all  school personnel, will not be my problem.  "Next year, ______(place name here,) will be fully responsible for all holiday and teacher appreciation week gifts". It is incredibly difficult to take care of all the people; the Special Education teacher, mainstream teacher, OT, Speech, aides and other professional staff that helps my kids. Especially when it is when I'm dealing with two different schools. It makes my mind explode.

8) Vodka. Cause frankly, looking at our kids, we're fucked. 

9) A clean house house I had nothing to do with and a meal that just magically appeared. I had to buy nothing, prepared nothing, and poof, it was there.

10) To have an adult conversation uninterrupted by kids, not about kids.

Although many of us will look back with nostalgia on the things our kids did that drove us nuts, at certain times, I imagine what my Mother's day will be like in 14 years after all the kids have left. I imagine myself at my future beach house, because my old self won't be able to handle the cold weather any more, and of course there will be a pool boy. You missed a spot.

Happy Mother's day to all. Vodka all around!


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