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Anarchy on the Horizon

When Memorial Day weekend comes, it is a reality check. It is a friendly reminder that there are only three more weeks of school. Count 'em, three. Oh, fuck. And that is when you realize that maybe you should have had a plan about camps, activities or something. Anything.  Maybe there is still time to order duct tape, Benadryl, sun-screen, anti-depressants and bug spray in bulk. Maybe even a liquor store that delivers.

Suddenly the kids you sent to school every day, that still have perfect attendance, will be home. All day, every day, until summer school or Extended school year(ESY) starts. In my house, the day after school ends is the definition of anarchy. Now, I'm sure every parent with a kid on the spectrum says, "I'm gonna have a schedule and we are going to plan trips and outings." Yea, good luck with that one.  After trying to get five kids to do anything and failing miserably, our schedule falls to ruins even before one of the kids rips it off the wall.

Let me tell you what our schedule becomes: wake up, play video games, eat breakfast, change out of PJ's after mom threatens to take away video games, jump on trampoline, eat snacks, play video games, fight with each other over something,(to be determined), eat pre-lunch, play video games, conspire with a sibling to pick on another sibling(s), make sibling(s)cry, sit in time-out, run through house with other siblings like a pack of screaming banshees, act out self-scripted fight scene between Star Wars figures and My Little Ponies on the trampoline, and that is all before 10am. Sometime after that, at least one kid will run through the house with crackers falling from their mouths, someone will spill something liquid, someone will dump toys that were organized prior to dumping, someone will make someone else cry, and my beer fridge inventory will be greatly reduced. I will be begging Calgon to take me away.  One way.

Our home becomes an unstructured mecca of chaos. Home to the swarm of locusts that will eat everything in it's path all day long and will even eat ketchup from the bottle if you let them, that is, after they try to replicate a Jackson Pollack painting on the wall with it.

"The pool! I can take them to the pool", you think, but, I absolutely hate pools. I used to manage a pool as part of my job, and I know that no public pool ever has great balance for very long. They are nasty pools of ick.  And then you have to deal with all the gossipy moms and all their bratty kids. I'd rather be dissecting my own eyeballs. But, for the sake of the kids, you go anyway.  And then you have to get five kids suited up, sun-screened and out the door.  But don't forget, you have to first pack up the other half of the kitchen that they didn't eat, because inevitably, as soon as you get to the pool, five minutes later, you'll hear, "mom, I'm so very hungry." I swear my kids are missing some type of enzyme. Then, when you get to the pool,  you have to keep track of them all. I am usually the one mom standing at attention counting to five continually as I monitor each of their moves. It is absolutely exhausting to be that responsible. The kids might like the pool, but the pool sucks.

The thought of the summer to come, makes me wish that Publisher's Clearing house offered a sweepstakes that gave you a nanny and a cleaning lady instead of the big ole check and balloons. As soon as you opened the door, they just took over. "ok, lucky mom, go take a nap." Now that would be the ultimate prize. 

Now I have three weeks to figure out a plan. First on the list is to stock up on vodka and find a liquor store that delivers. Second, stay away from the pool. Third, buy food. The rest I'll figure out as it goes. May the force be with me.


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