Summer Epidemics

Three weeks into summer vacation and I'm already seeing the posts my friends are writing on Facebook about how they wish school would start soon. It is an epidemic of "my-kids-are-driving me-fucking-nuts", and it seems to be everywhere, including my house. 

We went away for two weeks right after school ended. We were busy and had a mission. Every day had an activity and the days were full.  But our first day back to normal, I wanted to hide in my closet and write blog posts while drinking vodka. At least they would be funny. The twins were attached to me. My two little mini-mes followed me everywhere and when they lost sight of me, they screamed as if someone had chopped an arm off.  I couldn't have one minute alone without a child demanding something from me. #2, the Aspy, wanted to tell me everything that was on his mind about how movies were rated. "A 'G' rating is for everyone, but 'R' is for adults only because they use explicit language. Mom tell me some of the explicit words they use." Nice try. Nice fucking try. #3, PDD/NOS/ODD, had to scream above everyone else just to be heard and when it finally got quiet enough to hear him, he couldn't remember what he had to say or #2 said it for him already. #1, textbook Autism, was running between two TVs, his computer and the DVD player downstairs. He was interval watching; a new cardio-sport that makes watching TV the primary focus. He started at the computer watching "Just Dance 2014" on YouTube while getting his Bar Mitzvah moves on, and then he'd run into the family room to watch Doc McStuffins, then he'd run into the family room to watch whatever show the boys were watching and then he'd run into the basement and watch the Wiggles. Then the cycle would repeat. If I was daring enough to turn off one of the TVs while he was in another room, he'd approach me and say, "now, why'd you do that? I was watching that." So much for trying to reduce our carbon footprint.

True, the kids may drive us crazy, but the unstructured time is when they can have spontaneous interactions with their siblings. Ok, some of that may require a referee whistle, and some may involve various types of antagonistic behavior, but some of that also involves reciprocal language, game playing, turn taking and laughter. I love watching the girls play stuffed animals together. They have a plot, dialogue and are so entertaining that I could watch it all day, or until they disagree and grab each others hair. It is quite a sight to see multiple children playing "Just Dance" together. I also like watching #2 and #3 play Legos together. #2 narrates the entire story and #3 goes along with it until he disagrees and then they have to compromise. Sometimes it works out and sometimes they wind up fighting. That is when I have to step in and teach them how to navigate out of conflict.

The craziness stems from the transition from structure at school to Saturday-Land. It is logical to be proactive and plan activities for the kids, but taking five kids anywhere is hard. Especially if one of them has a tendency to wander off. Bowling isn't just bowling when you're constantly telling your kids to get away from the video games to take their turn. Taking your kids to the library is hard when they have issues with modulating the volume of their voices and they head in different directions. And the pool, forget about it. It's a drowning waiting to happen.

My friend Becky wrote on Facebook that she fantasizes about the Staples ad. Nothing erotic with staplers, But the idea of getting them ready for school and sending them away from home for six hours a day is enough get excited about.

I did get a little giddy while I was going through the mail and saw the Toys R Us ad advertising their "buy the Backpack, get the lunch box free". Woo hoo, it's July! To me, it signifies that school is just seven weeks away, plus, free is my favorite "F" word. Totally getting a bargain. A free lunch box!

So how are the next seven weeks going to play out?  The boys extended school year (ESY) starts next week, and the girls are in a mini-camp for July. But we also are going to enjoy harvesting our garden, capturing fire-flies, watching butterflies(we live in the butterflies migratory path), visiting friends, hosting play-dates, playing video games, teaching the kids to design and sew their own ugly dolls, and maybe even a road trip to Massachusetts. 

Regardless, the summer will fly by, and before you know it, they will be going back to school; armed with their new backpacks, free lunch boxes and school supplies for another year. Which for some of us, couldn't come fast enough.

Potty Training Hell

When any parent announces that their kid will begin potty training, what they are really saying is,"my life is going to be hell. I just signed up for boot camp and until this kid has success, my life is going to suck. It is going to challenge me in ways I never knew and I cannot fail. It is my parental obligation to get this kid to use the potty. I will not fail. I will be a winner and be among the millions, billions, who have crossed that bridge before me. If they can do it, so can I. God help me".

And with "We Are The Champions" playing in your head, you walk up to your 2/3 year old and say, "hey, I want you to meet my friend the potty." Child looks up at you and then runs away faster than Flash could even dream of, then disappears under a piece of furniture you had no idea they could fit under. And that, my friend, is the first time your child said "HELLLLLLL NO" to you.

So you go online, read blogs, take DVD's out of the library and realize that none of it works for your situation. You begin to wonder if your child was Houdini in a past life the way they can disappear when you just mention the word "potty". You beat yourself up and start to lose your mind and then the one thing the kid was trying to tell you all along becomes clear: They are not ready yet.

You put the project on hold and refrain from punching anyone in the face who is bragging about "how easy" it is to potty train their kid and anyone who asks you how boot camp is going. "F-U people, boot camp sucks. Your child is just a product of your OCD ways. I know you duct-taped that kid to the potty." You let yourself go online to research adult diapers and buy a few rolls of duct tape, just in case, of course.

Over the next few months, you approach, re-approach and dangle fancy rewards in front of them, just hoping that something, (please god, anything) works. And then, one day, they comply. They agree to sit on the potty for whatever it is you offered them, (hoping you didn't promise them a small island somewhere) and you have to shake your head because you are in shock. "Did I hear that right? kid is not under the sofa. Oh my, they are PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN". (cue Queen). Ok, 1/2 second on the potty counts. You can have that Island off the coast of Africa, Madagascar?, sure. 

You start the child on a schedule, you set the timer for every half hour and take off their diapers hoping, just hoping, they don't challenge the stain guard on the new carpet.  You load up on teddy grahams and every time that timer goes off, after thinking "already?", you put that kid on the potty. After two days, you want to get a baseball bat and smash that timer in a million pieces. You are feeling erratic with this new schedule, but the kid is just sitting on the potty for cookies. THERE IS NO OUTPUT. ANYWHERE.  News flash: the kid is working you. They have figured out that to get the reward, all they have to do is sit on the potty. No output required. That is when you have to up the ante and require output for reward. Be it cookies, M&M's, crack, whatever.

The kid responds one of two ways, they agree or tell you "hell no". What you realize after you've upped the ante, is that now you have to do more too. To get the kid to sit there and produce output, you have to sit there and encourage output. So, you get some books, toys and electronics and sit with them. (But be careful with electronics on the potty. My #1 murdered an ipod that way and I learned from the Apple store that more electronics are dropped in the potty each year than you would think, but I digress.)

Days, weeks to follow, you watch your kid like a hawk, (if you have multiple children, a distracted hawk) hoping you can identify the "pre-I-have-to -go-potty-dance", before it turns into, "I-got-to-go-potty-dance", to "I-am-peeing-myself-dance". You clean up accidents, encourage and celebrate successes. 

With all five kids, they were remarkably different. Kids with Autism have a much more difficult time than their typical peers just because many have transition issues. Imagine doing something your entire life and then one day you have to change. This is exactly what potty training is. You are now telling them what was previously acceptable is no longer an option.

We started #1 on the potty at age three, but he didn't have pottying autonomy until age five. With #2, we started at three and by age four he had pottying autonomy but was in a diaper at night for another year and a half. #3 fought us and outright refused. We attempted multiple times with a variety of rewards and nothing worked more than a day. What we learned from him was that he was the captain of his own ship; he wasn't going to do what you wanted no matter what the reward. It was not until we threatened to put him on the potty every 10 minutes,(that was fun) and we did that for a day, he decided to do it on his own.(he was 5.) No night accidents, he just did it. Control was his issue.

The girls....a different breed entirely.

Twin "R' sashays into the room singing, "mommy, I have to go pee-peeeeeees". "Ok", I say," go do it". She replies and her song turn to whine, "no, you come with me." (What are you the queen and want to receive an audience). As she is on the potty, Twin "S' makes her announcement, "I have to go too." (Identical twins. Biology doesn't lie). We are at the point where I am just monitoring autonomous or quasi-autonomous behavior. At almost four, they are just a pull-up at night team and really good during the day. They just want to hold court when they go.

In the end, potty training boot camp varies from kid to kid. you may hear the victory song quickly or it may take years. And when all is done, you're just glad you've made it through. And now that you're not buying diapers, you have more money for beer. Cheers!

Grooming the Cat

I love a morning that I can sleep a little later and not have to wake up to an alarm. Now that the boys are older and a bit more autonomous, they can take care of themselves and help the girls with their breakfast, which allows me a little extra sleep. Usually, I become quasi-conscious after #2 wakes up. He has full conversations with the wall and walks like an angry giant. All of the boys don't have the ability to self regulate their volume yet. We are constantly asking them to speak less loud.  I heard them talking and I turned over and tried to sleep just a little more. I was enjoying my moment.

That is, until I woke up to a twin standing over me, covered in something, yet to be determined, pointing erratically toward the hall and with that, the screaming registered in my foggy head, and I realized that some shit went down while I were sleeping. After I rubbed my eyes while singing a verse of Theory of a Dead Man's, "I hate my life" I got up and discovered that someone opened a box of granola inefficiently and the contents and what used to be the box were laying on the floor next to the toddler scissors. There was a trail of milk from the refrigerator to the pile of granola on the floor. At that moment, I wished I had a dog, contemplated the probability of borrowing someones dog, and then looked for the secondary mess. 

When you have more than one child, there is always a secondary mess which is usually more gross, damaging, and infuriating than the first. And then I noticed something else, all the kids had vanished. Where could they have gone? They knew that the second I found the secondary mess, I was going to pop a gasket and that is why they disappeared.  But, no, I wrote in my parental pledge book that I would not lose my temper and yell at the kids. Well, I guess that was an unrealistic expectation. I am yelling at their asses when I find them.  I was on a quest: to find the secondary mess and the five offspring, I fondly call my genetic mutations. Where were they hiding?

And then I felt something rub against my legs, it was our cat, Psycho. She felt different. Her fur felt different against my legs. Weird. And then I looked down. The cat was covered in sticky tape. Upon closer examination, I discovered two things: there was an awful lot of tape and the tape seems to be holding something. I looked around the room and found the evidence: a pair of toddler scissors, an empty box of cookies and a little pile of cat hair. I then looked at Psycho and started to peel the tape off her. They had cut off some of her fur and tried to tape it back on. Oh, I'm loving my life and the person who thought of putting vodka in breakfast drinks. Where were those little vandals?

I found the twins and they told me who the perpetrator was. Gotta love little chatty four years old who are happy to please.  #2 the Aspy, confessed that he had read some article about the importance of pet grooming and decided to give it a try. I then had a talk about not doing things they read or saw on YouTube  without permission. That is, unless it involves cleaning.

All parents know, that when the kids are quiet, trouble is imminent. But sometimes, I am willing to turn a blind eye to probable chaos in exchange for a few more minutes of sleep. After all, it was just a kitty haircut and not surgery. Thanks George Jessel for inventing the Bloody Mary, it is the only way to start the day at Casa de Crazy.

Sense This

The Baltimore chapter of the Autism Society of America, ASA, recently hosted a speaker to come  and talk about Sensory Processing. Sensory Processing is how your brain via the central nervous system processes all stimuli from the environment. The disorder is when the brain misreads or over-reacts to the external stimulus and it could cause issues among all the senses or just one. It can cause a myriad of reactions, like: when a child freaks out because the florescent lights are flickering or humming even though no one else in the room seems to be affected. It also causes people to cover their ears due to sounds, voices,or excitement. It is why some people can't eat certain tastes or textures. It is why some people freak out going to IKEA.  It is why some kids spin in circles, unaffected and why some kids are afraid of falling. It is about hyper and hypo sensitivities within the senses which means that their brain is unable to regulate them properly.

Most people have some type of processing disorder, be it large or small. After all, we can't expect perfection from our bodies. They are very complex and since so many parts rely on each other, it is easy for something to ago awry. We all know people who can't stand certain voices, and it just may be a coincidence that it is their mother-in-law who triggers the "fight or flight" response. I feel so overwhelmed when I walk into Bed Bath and Beyond, that I have to leave, and it is not because I forgot my 20% off coupon.  Some people love roller coasters and some people can't tolerate them. And some people gag at certain sights or smells.

Our guest speaker brought in different types of materials that are used to help people with Sensory Processing issues. Since they affect all the senses, she had many to appeal to every one, which ranged from squishy balls to snacks. And we were allowed to try them all, which may have not been the best idea for a very giddy, happy to be out of the house, ADHD person like myself.

Because, then she brought out the Body-Sox. It is a stretchy bag with a Velcro closure that you can completely fit into and close. When it got to me, I had to give that baby a whirl. After all, I had several children with sensory issues and #1 would LOVE it, so it was research. I had to do the mommy investigating. In the middle of her presentation, I stepped into the bag, closed the Velcro half way and did my best "here's Johnny"'(my favorite scene from the movie, The shining), causing the speaker to pause while everyone else who knew me, cracked up.  I have to admit, it did feel pretty good in there. If I had on the noise canceling headphones that were playing classical music while in the Body-Sox, it would've been that much better. 

Sensory integration issues are really quite subtle. People react to external stimulation in a number of ways and sometimes, it is often mistaken as bad behavior.  I am sure many people have lost their shit because they heard one too many Barney songs, their in-law's voice, an alarm that won't shut off, or the flickering of a fluorescent light bulb.These things trigger the "fight or flight" instinct which is so overwhelming that it can cause aggressive behavior,  While I was at #3's field day, which had to be inside because of the rain, one child in particular was misbehaving. It wasn't mine, Yippee! He was sent to he office and brought back a bit later. I knew he had some special needs so I walked over to him and asked him if it was too loud for him. He looked at me and smiled, it seemed he was relieved that I understood the issue. He was so overstimulated by all the kids and noise that he couldn't help but bother other kids by touching them and swinging his body around. When I offered him a quiet spot which became sitting in front of me on the floor while I gave him some deep pressure, he relaxed and smiled. And in that smile was his message, "thank you for getting it."

For many of us, it is hard to stop and redirect ourselves or others while we are being sucked into the the "fight or flight" vortex. Many times, people in the midst of a sensory meltdown can't tell you what will make it better, so you have to know how to respond.  In my years of dealing with my kids and learning about all things Autism, I have learned that there are so many subtitles that exist within the diagnosis. I find that if you just sit back and observe the environment and the child's reaction, you can get a general baseline of how they will react to certain stimuli in the environment. But as much as you think you are ready for everything, there will always be something that causes the child to react in a way that screams, "I am having a sensory reaction"  but  you can't pinpoint the cause and it can be very frustrating for all parties involved.

That may be your cue to grab the vodka, headphones, walk into the closet and crawl into the Body-Sox.

Playing Appropriately

This morning, my 10 year old, #1 with Autism, was playing a game with his siblings. It was loud and it involved running.  I didn't care that they were running in the house or being loud because they were playing appropriately. The twins and #3 would approach #1 and make a duck sound. Then, #1 would lurch at them like a monster and then the three little crazies would run away screaming, leaving #1 laughing with a big smile on his face. The game continued all morning until they left for school. At one point, #3 sat down to play his DS, but #1 still wanted to play, so he stood in front of #3 and said, "I'm waiting here", His perfect pitch does allow him to imitate my Jersey accent perfectly, and then the game resumed.


While I was getting the kids ready for school, I told #3 several times to get his shoes on, but he wasn't complying. #1 knew that if #3 continued to be non-compliant,  he was going to get into trouble, so he  picked up the shoes and tried to put them on #3's feet. He has never done anything like that before and I stood there, stunned. He wanted to play with #3 and didn't want him to get into trouble, so he was trying to protect him. It was subtly amazing. If you didn't know anything about him, it wouldn't have even tipped the radar, but I stood there and watched him do everything so matter-of-factly.  He did have some trouble putting on #3's shoes and I decided to talk him through the process instead of jumping in to do it, and he did it. I had to correct the wrong feet, but he did it, just like a big brother would. Just like a typical big brother would. Earth to ground control, we have a connection.  

We have noticed that #1's interactions with his siblings has been more deliberate and reciprocal lately. Before, the girls would pull him places or make demands on him and he would comply even if it made him unhappy. He is a child of ABA, he is trained to comply with demand. When he was almost three years old, he began ABA therapy. He is accustomed to people placing demands on him and regardless of his feelings about the tasks, he would have to complete them. We have seen him switch off a show he was watching because the girls told him to change it.  He would get very upset, but he did as they asked. We've seen him give up playing his X-Box because one of his brothers kicked him off of it, which caused him to run off screaming and took him hours to recover from. We had to teach him the phrase, " you're not my Mom or my Dad and I don't have to listen to you" to counter the brothers when they were bossing him around.  All the kids viewed #1 more as a tool and less as a sibling to interact with.

Lately, he has been acutely plugged in to what his siblings like. He knows about Star Wars because his brothers like it, but he is more drawn to the girls just because he likes the same things they do: Disney Jr, My Little Ponies and Jumping on the trampoline. I have walked into his room to see the twins sitting with him playing ponies. I watched them laugh and play together so spontaneously and naturally. I have forced myself to look past the six year difference between them and the fact that a typical 10 year old has an entirely different set of interests than #1, to see precious sibling interactions. He is not just responding, he is engaging them appropriately, and that is no small feat.

I have watched all five kids play games on the trampoline together. It is seldom that all five can have a prolonged positive interaction, so when it happens, I have to sit back, appreciate the moment and wait for someones head to get bonked to break the streak.

We always stress to #2, the aspy, that he needs to be helpful to the siblings and act like a big brother.  I think that somewhere in #1's head, something clicked. He realized that if he is older than #2, then he should act like a big brother too. Or maybe, his helpfulness partly stems from his Auditory Processing issues, since it is much easier to help them so they don't cry, than to listen to them cry. Maybe it started there, but when he gets the positive reinforcement for playing with his siblings: fun, he see the value in it.

The primary driver of ABA is the reward. To get a child to complete a task, the reward must be worthy of the effort. Many kids with Autism view communication or interaction with people as a functional act; I need something, they need to help me get it, I need to use my communication skills. It is a pragmatic use of communication. When they are using their communication skills appropriately and the reward is not tangible, but a feeling, like having fun, it is a milestone. For kids on the spectrum to seek out interaction with people because they feel it is fun, is so huge.

There were times in the past that I worried about what his capacity would be as a functional, contributing, sibling, classmate, and person at large. I must say, that I am worried no more. His skills are emerging and improving daily.  Thanks to his siblings, who push him and see him for who he is, his potential is so much more than if he were an only child.  I have seen the shift in the way he deals with the twins and his brothers and although he may be emotionally a few years behind his typical peers, I have faith that he will get there in time. Even the turtle finishes the race eventually. 

My Heart Will Go On

At the end of the school year, the teachers usually host an event to give thanks to the many parents who helped out during the school year. When I went to #1's school, they had an elaborate spread and the highlight was when the sign language club performed a few songs.  #2 & #3's school, had their volunteer appreciation breakfast last week, and I was happy that I was able to bring the twins with me.

Everything was great. There was food, coffee, juice and some awesome moms. But, then the music teacher brought in the fourth grade class and they were all holding their recorders. Great. One kid practicing the recorder at home is painful enough.  Forty kids playing recorder in a quasi-controlled group is just one way the music teacher can express her feelings about not getting any holiday presents or special accolades during teacher appreciation week. F-U people, I teach your talentless kids and it is a thankless and painful job.  I'm going to let you know how much I appreciate you. Welcome to hell on earth people. 

Before they began, the music teacher gave a little speech about how the fourth grade had just finished a unit about the Titanic and their first song, they were playing more than one?, was in tribute to the unit. They were playing the theme song from the movie, Titanic, "My Heart Will Go On" and from the first note, I struggled to contain myself. Tears were streaming down my face and my friend Katie had to stop looking at me because she was laughing too. It was positive feedback at its finest.  I was grateful that I had one of the twins on my lap to hide behind as I tried to regain my composure. They were murdering a song about death. How ironic.

I never thought of the recorder as a musical instrument. It is just a glorified whistle and is not capable of not sounding like shit. I never heard of anyone at Julliard majoring in recorder. I never heard of anyone doing a recorder recital at Carnegie Hall. What merits does the recorder bring to the music world other than upset the homeostasis within the home of every third grader who touches the horrible offender? Please don't send me YouTube links to people playing the recorder less painfully, I have enough reasons to drink already.

When the second song began, Twin R told me she wanted to dance, and as soon as she got up, her sister joined her. They got up right in front of everyone and danced. When the focus shifted to the two, little, crack butterflies dancing in front of everyone, the music became less painful. The music shifted to the periphery and the girls became the main event. Maybe it was not what the passive/aggressive music teacher had planned, but they saved us all. No therapy needed this week due to recorders. 

Thanks to my crack butterflies, I  did not need to enhance the OJ and survived being appreciated recorder style.

Perfection is an illusion

Long before most of us had kids, we had an idea of what we'd be like as parents. We had the ideal fantasy of what our world with children would be like. And while we sat staring at our first child, we put together a little list of the things we wanted to teach our kids, the things we needed to modify within ourselves to be that "perfect" parent, which of course had no resemblance to our own parents at all. We clung to it as our personal parent bible and we would rise to the challenge. We would be the best parents the world has ever known. 

With that, the first kid is watched like a hawk, juice boxes are evil and you hyper-hover so that no chemicals via manufactured foods will ever get inside your kid. You do the kid classes and although they may not have a clue what is going on, you feel validation in a room full of mother's doing the same thing. 

Then the second kid comes along, and a couple of the things you used to micro manage, lose their ranking on the priority chain. It takes some reworking and time,  but eventually you adjust to two kids. Kid classes are harder with two, so you stop going. You say "I can play with them at home",  pat yourself on the back and carry on.

And then you have more kids and everything goes to hell. The house looks like several small tornadoes ransacked the house at all times, even after you spent several hours cleaning it. Juice boxes become the norm and you let them have any type of chemical-laden food just so they give you a few minutes alone, and if that occurs while you're in the bathroom, then it's a double bonus. Classes become too expensive and too difficult to manage with all the kids, so you stay home and plug them in because you're too tired. You're just happy you've made it through the day so far. 


People see you in public with all the kids and say things like, "are they all yours?" No, I got the BOGO code and got a great deal in aisle 13, and, "I don't know how you do it", I drink, lady.  Lots and lots. If crack came in a patch, I would be wearing one.  I miss the days in NJ where the the liquor stores were attached to the grocery stores and I could wheel everyone into the liquor store after grabbing milk, to fill my cart up with essentials. The cashier would make the observation that I was buying more beer than food, count the kids and nod her head. You feel my pain, lady?

When you start allocating a percentage of the grocery money for beer, all the ideas you had long ago, about being the perfect parent become laughable. You realize that you yell and threaten your kids as much, if not better than your parents. "I'll give you something to cry about". But instead of hitting, we'll introduce Barbie to the recyclable bin. You have become your parents and every time you say, "How many times have I told you...", you grimace and have to squelch the impulse to soak your head in the sink. 


You shift your focus on surviving the parenting experience, and hope that your kids will be resilient enough to not need as much therapy as you think they will.

You let go of the word "perfect" and strive for "better than most", which is way more realistic. Perfection is like a unicorn. It is a unattainable fantasy, just like the ones you had before kids which hyper-focused on the novelty of having children, instead of the challenges they provide.  

And believe me, they are a challenge. Mommy needs her juice box.